this time it’s a different rant, not about toonami, I promise. XD this time it’s about gender roles and fun stuff like that. don’t want to read? don’t look below the cut.
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for once, not a post about boys. though the title indicates that it should be. s’okay. *patpat* still going below a cut.
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so i got sucked into the queersecrets tumblr feed earlier today (who am i kidding, i spent most of the day reading it…) and it sent me off to think about gender identity and sexuality and all that stuff again.
one of my best friends came out to me years ago about being bisexual. later that same friend told me she had feelings for me. since then, several other female friends have expressed that they have feelings for me. of course at each of those points - as these are people i like and respect - i take it into consideration, envision what i would feel like in a relationship with them, and then respond with that in mind.
but now that one of my other close friends has “come out” as it were as trans* to me, it occurs to me that my own gender identity had never been questioned. i supposed at the time that it was because it was so glaringly obvious to me that i was cisgendered (which of course is not a word i knew at the time, but is now) that i didn’t even think about it.
i’m not so sure anymore.
i grew up (and still live) in a very small town in new york. if you were anything other than cisgendered and heterosexual, you would kindly do to keep quiet or be ostracized from the community (or just keep very very quiet about it). thus, you never really think of yourself as anything different, unless challenged.
so i have challenged myself, and this is where i stand currently. the first thing is the only thing that i truly believe to be 100% true. the rest is a work in progress, as so much of the human condition is:
1. I am heterosexual. This hasn’t much changed ever. I can only see myself in physical and sexual relationships with men. Each and every time I try to envision myself in a physical/sexual relationship with a woman, it is an automatic turn-off.
2. I believe that I may be gender fluid. After being introduced to the drag community, and given a safe and welcoming place to dress in male-standard clothing, it became incredibly apparent to me that this was a place that I was very comfortable being. It makes thoughts I had growing up make infinitely more sense. I am perfectly happy in my female body; I would like to have children some day, I do not feel dysphoric, etc. But there are times (like much of today) where I have spent a great deal of time really wanting to go and get the binder I use for my cosplaying, change into the clothing I bought for drag, and style my new short haircut into something more stereotypically “male”, and go for gold. And I am perfectly happy either way. I do not want to change the body I was given with any permanence, but I am comfortable in either gender. (Lord knows I’ve been called a guy before on several occasions, and while it bothered me when I was younger, it certainly doesn’t anymore - I think I even strive for it occasionally.)
3. It is when we run into romance that I begin having trouble finding a word. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have not dealt with many people other than fairly heteronormative (or I suppose, homo- or bi-normative, really) people, that I would not consider a relationship with - or if I have been interested in a relationship, it has been with a heterosexual cisgendered male: the social standard for me. However, I’ve met girls that I could see myself taking out to dinner, sharing an apartment with, hell - sharing a bed with. I’ve kissed girls before. So am I panromantic? Biromantic? Heteroromantic but just open and accepting of others? I don’t know. Maybe it’s my upbringing, and I want to say that “if I had a relationship, I’d want it to be with a guy because that’s in line with my sexuality and would make things easier” but I know all too well that you cannot truly control who you fall in love with. If a woman/trans* person/whomever else under the sun walks into my life and I am in love, then I am in love. Will it be more difficult if they have a genetically female body, and I am not physically/sexually attracted to them? Yes. But I don’t discount the possibility.
Perhaps that’s simply a platonic relationship, but I have to argue (with myself, oh lordy) that there could be a deeper emotional bond there, and it wouldn’t need to be physical or sexual - it would be purely emotional and doesn’t that move it past platonic into romantic? I don’t know. I don’t know enough about that world to set foot in it surely. Perhaps in this wide Internet world someone will have an answer for me.
—-
But that is where I stand. Heterosexual, possibly - probably - gender fluid, and romantically confused. (I am not shocked.)
As I told K, I like words. I feel like I’m starting a collection. And while I don’t care for the boxes that labels try to put people in, I like adjectives. I’m an author; I like words that describe people. And maybe there isn’t a word for me. Then it will be up to me to make one.
Shakespeare did it. Why can’t I?
So bring on your words. I’ll take them all into consideration, and keep the ones I like, as I would Pokémon trading cards. By the end of it all, I’ll have a whole page of holographic cards and I will be the envy of all those around me.
</ Oh yeah, did I say I’m a massive geek too? ;) />
